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Priceless Fitness Manuscript Found In Archaeological Dig

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Bayanhongor, Mongolia

Archaeologists from the University of Ulan Bator, excavating an ancient site three miles outside of Bayanhonger, have discovered what many now believe to be the original copy of legendary Genghis Khan’s Guide Everyday Fitness.

Written shortly before his death in 1227, the Fitness Guide was written by the Great Khan himself. The Guide is written in the first person and recounts how he stayed healthy while looting and pillaging most of Asia.  Experts have already translated several chapters, and have released them for general publication.  Here are some highlights…

Idea For Keeping the Legs Strong

“Wow!  Being The Great Khan is tough. I’m sitting on my hindquarters all day. I’m either sitting on the throne deciding whether or not to invade Samarkand, or sitting in my saddle running down terrified Tangut tribesman.  

To keep my legs and buttocks toned I remember to squeeze my legs around the horse I’m riding while changing the course of human history. By tensing and then relaxing my legs fifty times, I find that this simple exercise keeps my legs and posterior attractive.  They have to be, as I have eleven wives.”

Idea For Making Arms Strong

I have discovered that in order to appear imposing and brutal, one must have well-developed upper arms and shoulders.This is easily accomplished by carrying a heavy sword over your head as you flail at defenseless villagers. My suggestion is that you alternate sword-carrying arms as you alternate villages.  This will develop those upper arms and shoulders evenly.

Idea For Making Stomach Strong

Nobody fears an emperor with a pot belly,’ my father’s uncle, Khabul Kahn,would tell me. Hey!  I love Yak au Poivre just as much as the next guy. But when you never have to pick up a dinner tab, it’s easy to overindulge. I find that if, while lying flat on my back in my yurt, I place fifteen or sixteen of my children into a bag and place the bag on my chest and try to rise to a sitting position four or five times, my stomach muscles tighten and my stomach begins to show a yak milk six pack.

Idea For Maintaining A Strong Heart

My father, Yasügei, died of a heart attack. Not me!  I keep my heart strong by doing at least 20 minutes of cardio at least 3 times a week.  Looting and pillaging defenseless towns usually does it for me. However, when I’m between battles I rely on my eleven wives to take care of my 20 minutes of cardio at least three times a week. Often, my #1 wife, BörteÜjinKhatun, is able to take care of my cardio needs for three or four days straight.

If I am going to die, it has to be something stupid like falling off my horse in a battle. My leg squeeze exercise should prevent that…unless I take an arrow in the leg. Oh well, I’m off to the battle of Yinchuan.  I’ll write more when I get back.


The mystery of how Genghis Khan and his hordes were able to conquer an entire continent has now been solved. He worked out. Archaeologists plan on digging in the area for at least another eighteen months in hopes of finding the legendary Khan Home Gym.

 

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